It has been sometime since I've blogged...the words have simply not been there...I have been quiet with most people in my life lately...my husband, my kids, my Lord...my friends...I have...for lack of better words...just tried to disappear...feeling lost...scared...frustrated...and other emotions that are there too!
When I started weight watchers the first of the year...I said I'd be open and honest...even vulnerable...and I think I have been some of the time...and others...I just don't talk about it!...I did great the first 5 months of the program and I have struggled the rest of the year...it has been hard...old habits have never really been broken...it's hard...I like for people to tell me how great I look but I hate to be the "different" one having to eat the "different" food...so needless to say for 7 months...it has been the same 5 pounds up and down....the one thing I HATE to hear when I go to my meetings is...if you gained weight...if you are honest with yourself you probably know why...and truth is...YES WE KNOW WHY...OK!!!!
Well the same is true in my walk with the Lord...when I feel distant from Him...if I'm honest with myself...I've walked with Him long enough now...that I know why the distance is there...and THAT my friends is where I've been the last few months...there is a HUGE gap between myself and my Lord...and I am miserable when I am there...and yet...I allow it...I wrote a letter to my pastor and his wife a.ka. my friends...and asked for prayer...she promptly wrote me back saying she was praying and added a few self check points to the email...and all 3 points she added I needed to remember b/c they all three are my problem...1. no daily time with my Lord, 2. sin (keeping that one to myself thank you!)...but still there and 3. she asked me if my priorities where in check...and of coarse NO THEY are not!...and while I needed that reminder...to bring the truth I already knew to the front of my mind...it still felt like I was in a fog...until yesterday...I really wanted to just stay home yesterday...I was emotional and I knew if someone was nice to me I'd fall apart...and UNFORTUNATELY we go to a very NICE church...so there were lots of tears on my part...then we began worship...and I felt the Lord's presence so clearly...we began to sing the song "Offering" and we sang..."there is no shadow...in Your presence" and like a ton of bricks...the wall I'd built around myself was crushed...that was it...I had been in the shadow for months now and in the shadow...I can't feel His presence! In the shadow is darkness and when Satan can keep us there he robs us of the Lord's presence...a place I allowed myself to be...so now...I begin the journey back...yet again...to the safe arms and presence of my sweet savior...I'm so thankful that He purses me...I'll never understand it...why He does it but I'm forever and eterally thankful for it...again, I say...it is real...this relationship thing with the Lord...He reminded me of it yesterday as He pulled me back...and today as I read in Joshus...Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you...So I need to be gettin' myself ready...thank you Lord...
Offering...amazing song...
When I started weight watchers the first of the year...I said I'd be open and honest...even vulnerable...and I think I have been some of the time...and others...I just don't talk about it!...I did great the first 5 months of the program and I have struggled the rest of the year...it has been hard...old habits have never really been broken...it's hard...I like for people to tell me how great I look but I hate to be the "different" one having to eat the "different" food...so needless to say for 7 months...it has been the same 5 pounds up and down....the one thing I HATE to hear when I go to my meetings is...if you gained weight...if you are honest with yourself you probably know why...and truth is...YES WE KNOW WHY...OK!!!!
Well the same is true in my walk with the Lord...when I feel distant from Him...if I'm honest with myself...I've walked with Him long enough now...that I know why the distance is there...and THAT my friends is where I've been the last few months...there is a HUGE gap between myself and my Lord...and I am miserable when I am there...and yet...I allow it...I wrote a letter to my pastor and his wife a.ka. my friends...and asked for prayer...she promptly wrote me back saying she was praying and added a few self check points to the email...and all 3 points she added I needed to remember b/c they all three are my problem...1. no daily time with my Lord, 2. sin (keeping that one to myself thank you!)...but still there and 3. she asked me if my priorities where in check...and of coarse NO THEY are not!...and while I needed that reminder...to bring the truth I already knew to the front of my mind...it still felt like I was in a fog...until yesterday...I really wanted to just stay home yesterday...I was emotional and I knew if someone was nice to me I'd fall apart...and UNFORTUNATELY we go to a very NICE church...so there were lots of tears on my part...then we began worship...and I felt the Lord's presence so clearly...we began to sing the song "Offering" and we sang..."there is no shadow...in Your presence" and like a ton of bricks...the wall I'd built around myself was crushed...that was it...I had been in the shadow for months now and in the shadow...I can't feel His presence! In the shadow is darkness and when Satan can keep us there he robs us of the Lord's presence...a place I allowed myself to be...so now...I begin the journey back...yet again...to the safe arms and presence of my sweet savior...I'm so thankful that He purses me...I'll never understand it...why He does it but I'm forever and eterally thankful for it...again, I say...it is real...this relationship thing with the Lord...He reminded me of it yesterday as He pulled me back...and today as I read in Joshus...Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you...So I need to be gettin' myself ready...thank you Lord...
Offering...amazing song...
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