My...I don't want to...needs to be fixed

Here I am again...well let me correct that...here I am still...in this place...the harsh truth hit me last night...I just don't want to...not because it's hard...not because I'm afraid to fail...not because people have said or done something...not for a million other reasons...I simply just don't want to do this...like Jonah...I've been running for a long time...in the opposite direction...because I DON'T WANT TO GO THE RIGHT DIRECTION....the direction the Lord has asked...called me to go in...

I've made excuses for a long time...heard the beckoning of the Holy Spirit CLEARLY in my ear...and yet continued on my OWN way...discouraged...by my own choices...depressed...because my life doesn't look the way I want it too...bulled up because it's easy for some...and very hard for others like myself...so I've run the opposite direction until I feel so very lost...some of you will understand when I say...lost in a fog or mist of my own making...I want to be angry with God but I can't...I've heard His voice calling to me through the fog and the mist the whole time and yet I've (me, myself and I) refused to turn to him...to cry out to Him...Lord save me!!!

And so I'm at the crossroad...one that as believers, we all get to at some point...will I continue running or will I turn back to the safety and love of the Father...of the Savior who...didn't want the cross either...remember He said...if there is any other way Lord...BUT not my will...YOURS  LORD...it's a scary place to be...this crossroad...it is going to be a defining point in my walk with the Lord...Jonah finally obeyed...and then got ticked off again...that's me...I obey for a while then got mad again...I'm reminded of God's words in Jonah 4:4..."do you have good reason to be angry?"...

I think I can be angry about a lot of things...abortion, abuse, human trafficking, injustices, people who mock the Lord or take his name in vain...but I can't be angry if my life doesn't look like I think it should knowing the entire time...I have refused to get myself out of the way and allow the Lord to have complete control of me...to live a life surrendered...

It is taking me all morning to write this post..I just read the book of Jonah...and I'm reminded that not only are my choices affecting me but it has the potential of affecting others around me...I'm reminded that I don't get to choose God's responses to myself or to others...and I certainly do not have the right to be angry with His decisions...

But...I do have the opportunity to respond to Him today...His mercies are new every morning...He holds me in the palm of His hand and He has saved me for a greater purpose than this pitiful existence I have chosen to walk in lately...I have circled this mountain long enough...and if I'll trust Him...He will do great and might things in my life...He wants to...He isn't the one stopping all of this...I am...

Many, many years ago...I learned we all have a trigger in our life that God uses...mine is music...take time to listen to these two songs today...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQmysKhww_I


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ejycllx5iwA

I've purposely not told you what my struggle is...because is doesn't matter what it is...my struggle...their struggle...your struggle...God is bigger than it...God wants to do great and mighty things in the lives of His People...He came to give us life...and to give it to us abundantly...

I will try to blog more as I start new today...I'm am a child of the one true King...the King of the world...