Out of darkness out of shame

Not real sure how to start today...words are rolling around my head like crazy today...I experienced something last night between me and the Lord that I'm not sure I've ever really experienced before...and for a while I lost my way...and I forgot how to let God do the work needed in my life at that point...I've been trying for months and months to overcome in my flesh...crying out to the Lord for Him to help me...to do it...I told Scott last night...I know I CANNOT do this...God has to do it...but how...how do I let Him do it...how do we let go enough to allow Him to heal us...change us and make us into who He desires us to be...I had some amazing people just pouring scripture into me last night...the Lord gave me some additional ones...I knew it was all truth...but that stupid 12 inches from my head to my heart was a very LONG way last night...I wept over the truths I was seeing in His word...and while I felt lost in a very dark place...I could cling to hope...to that little bitty light that never every left me...that tiny flicker...penetrated the darkness...

Before I write more today I want to tell you why I'm writing...there was a Christian group several years ago by the name of Watermark. They got their name from the watermarks they had seen on houses after flood waters had gone down. There are times and experiences, heartaches and tragedies  that make a mark on our lives and it is important to be able to go back and see those times...to be reminded...not of our failures...or even our own successes...but to see where God was and is...and the grace, mercy and victories He gives us...not because we deserve them...but simply because He loves us...He loves you...and He loves me...I love being reminded of those times...like this one...http://grammyshomepage.blogspot.com/2009/11/isnt-god-amazing.html

So today is a new day...there is snow on the ground...when I opened my eyes it was bright in our room...the light was evident...in my flesh I could just say...OK last night is over and that is that...but the TRUTH is, a battled started last night...I cannot get up today and pretend it is over...mind you, a victory WAS had last night but there is more fighting to do...as I opened the word this morning...the very first answer, to so many questions running through my mind, was revealed to me...it was the statement I told Scott last night...how do I let go and let the Lord do this in me...through HIS WORD!!!! That is how...it is alive...it is LIFE TRANSFORMING...it speaks to mankind...and it speaks to my individual heart...oh the things He said to me just this morning...

Just a few truths He said to me this morning...I hope you find hope in them as well...

John 10:27 My sheep listen to My voice...I heard Him last night...He was calmly reminding me of truths over the screams of the enemy of my soul...and the choice now...hear it...claim it...trust it...cling to it...rest in it...

One of my most favorite places in the Bible is Exodus 14:13...I love this promise...(read it...it is sooo good!!!)...but that promise is in the Word again...2 Chronicles 20:17...thank you Jesus!!!! These verses go with another favorite of mine that God has used many times in my life...Psalm 46:10...Lord continue to teach me to be still...and to KNOW...

Deut. 32:10...as a child of the one true King we are called the apple of His eye...and again in Zechariah 2:8-my Bible notes says this..."this is speaking of the pupil...a delicate part of the eye essential for vision...therefore must be protected AT ALL COST",,,I'd say Christ laying His life down...was AT ALL COST...

I was encouraged to write Philippians 4:6-7 down today (and the next many coming days) then make a list of 25 things I have to be thankful for...so here is the scripture and list number 1:

Do NOT be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding WILL guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...

1. I am a child of the One True KING
2. Scott loves me
3. 4 kids that survived me and came out somehow still loving Jesus...to the point they desire to serve Him
4. 6 beautiful grandchildren I adore
5. friends-true friends that love me and I love them
6. a Bible I can read and through the power of the Holy Spirit I can understand
7. those teens I love to teach
8. ladies Bible study-whether I'm teaching or not
9. being a part of EBC all of it...then entire 24...almost 25 years...
10. Scott's support
11. God's provisions
12. my job
13. ministry opportunities
14. my children in laws...Jesse, Donnie, Thomas and Miss Beks
15. a home God paid for and provided
16. Sofia and Sasha
17. Country life and living
18. my health
19. weight watchers
20. Jenna Buettemeyer
21. online daily Bible reading I'm doing this year
22. Conviction
23. JD and Heather
24. Jim and Kim
25. Jesus

I will be doing this for the next however many days...

I know this is a lot...but that is because God has a HUGE mess and a HUGE job with me...I will see this in a year and be blown away by the healing and love He is pouring down on me...but I hope and I pray that just maybe someone else who reads this will see the hope that I was reminded of last night...

The count down begins...

Scott will be leaving in 9 days...he is more excited this year than he was last! I've been so concerned this year about him going alone...he just smiles and tells me he hates that I am worried but he is excited and 100% positive it is important that he go...I am still concerned but I am walking in more peace that I was a month ago!

He has been spending the last month attempting to prepare and make final plans with the personal on the ground there...He, JD and our personal where Skyping the other day and I was able to listen to some of the call...I kept thinking of the 20 plus years ago when our family headed overseas and how much "easier" it is now with the technology that we have and the ability to communicate with each other now...I was thinking how...20 years ago...we wouldn't be able to make the plans like he has now...he would just go and see what would happen...now a plan can be formed of some kind! However, we've learned over the years, that anytime we are doing the work of ministry we need to be "fluid, Much like a river you never know when it may turn be bumpy but you just flow...and anyone who knows Scott Griffith knows he can do that for sure!!! Probably easier than any of us...it's funny...he HATES change more than any of our family...but then it comes to opportunities like this he can change in a heartbeat with no trouble...another God thing I would say!!!!

But the part that I was most overwhelmed with was at the end of the visit...before they all hung up...our personal overseas prayed...we all prayed together 1000's of miles apart!

My family who have lived overseas for so many years now was in the states several years ago and they invited us to go to a Chinese church with them...while there we were singing...and some of the hymns I knew...we sang them in English while the church body sang them in their language...I was overwhelmed with the thought of God hearing us all no matter where we are or how we speak...and then the thought of what heaven will be like with all of the different languages and colors...in the presence of His radiance!...I felt the same way when those 3 men prayed together the other morning, spread so many miles apart and yet their unified prayer has heard by our Father...

I remember thinking so many years ago that Scott and I would never have the money to travel...not for ministry work...not for fun...that just wouldn't be something we would get to do...but God had other plans...and while you couldn't put a pencil to it and explain how in the world financially what little traveling we've done happened...God has provided it...100% .  This year Scott goes to India...this summer I will go to the Dominican Republic and our prayer and hope next year we will go to India together...

Life lessons I've learned over the years...when God calls you...He provides...the provision can look like many different things...but never ever forget to give HIM the glory for it...I was taught this many years ago and was reminded of it just this week...if it is God's will...it is God's bill...we are a walking testament to that!

Until the words come again...

PRONE...

      O to grace how great a debtor 

 daily I'm constrained to be! 

 Let thy goodness, like a fetter, 
bind my wandering heart to thee. 

 Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, 

 prone to leave the God I love; 

 here's my heart, O take and seal it, 

 seal it for thy courts above. 

We sang this song on Sunday morning...and these particular words hit me so hard...

I don't know about you but this is my life...in a few short words...

I love Him...I serve Him...I am passionate about Him...and then...something happens...a struggle maybe or a trial or a simple distraction...and my heart that is SO prone to wander...begins that journey of going the wrong way...yet again...

One thing the Lord has really been talking to me about is always being so negative...not saying positive things about others...and ALWAYS seeing my glass of circumstances 1/2 empty instead of 1/2 full...now this is a habit in my life and so I'm determined to begin being more positive...looking for the positive...and you might ask how this week has gone...well...I haven't spewed negativity out all week...but I have just been quiet which is not the end result I believe the Lord would want from me...so once again I am a work in progress...

The other issue...is my addiction...I'm still circling the mountain...and every step of that daily circle I can CLEARLY hear the Lord say...haven't you circled this LONG ENOUGH!!! Get up and move north...please pray...while we as humans attempt to put our sins in categories...they are all even and level at the foot of the cross...and this addiction is a sin the Lord has convicted me of...I am learning that no matter what,  He loves me...God's love for me...for us is NOT based on our victories over sin...even when I feel like a complete failure...He loves me... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF1jrI6dbFg

So what now...well I am at a fork the road of my life...I can go the wrong way...the way of my Savior...or I can sit down and quit...which I REFUSE TO DO...I will not quit...He is with me...so I will go on with Him...and there will be times that I THINK I am taking the right way...and find out a few steps into it that I was wrong...but He loves me anyway and He will lead me the correct way...if I will submit to Him...and there will be times that I will take the correct path...but do you know what,  He still loves me...the same...for God so loved the world that He gave His son...He loved and He gave and thank goodness it is NOT dependent on me!

My name is Lori...and I am a food addict...and I am a messed up woman...but I am loved and redeemed by Jesus Christ...my Savior...I am a work in progress and until I draw my last breath I will be a work in progress...

I'm a process...

I'm not really sure how to even start today...God has been moving in my life...slowly I'm learning a few things HE is pouring into me...this process we call life...is so scary at times and yet so amazing!!!

God is opening my eyes to new and fresh things on a daily basis...that is daily...when I am willing to take time to listen to Him...He has brought His Word alive and fresh to me...showing small things that I've read many, many times and yet over looked...just pain never saw before...love it!!! It truly is alive!!!

There are so many things in my life that distract me from the Lord...He is beginning to show me all the things and or people that I have allowed to take His place in my life that is reserved only for Him...If only I, we will learn that if we love the Lord the way He calls us to...we are able to love the others in our life so much better...so much more complete!!!

Here are just a few of the lessons He has taught me in the past 3 weeks...

The movie "Facing the Giants"...the death crawl scene...when coach Taylor is down on his knees with Brock...screaming in his ear....I know it's hard...don't you give up...your VERY best...give me your VERY best...God has shown me before that He is like that with me...every step that I think is too hard...He is with me...every single one...telling me to not give up...don't your quit...your VERY best...but this time I realized a new concept...He is telling me...I KNOW IT'S HARD...I KNOW IT HURTS...GIVE ME YOUR VERY BEST...HOWEVER, He is NOT saying...I knew you'd quit...I knew you'd fail...I KNEW YOU COULDN'T DO IT...MY FATHER DOES NOT DEGRADE!!!! He encourages me and takes every step to victory with me...so on those days that are extra hard...how can I possibly think I will fail..."IF GOD IS FOR US, WHO (OR WHAT) CAN BE AGAINST US" Romans 8:31

I have also started to go thru the "Made to Crave" study again by Lysa Terkeurst...at this point...this is what I've learned to stare strait at and confess...this sin..."I had to get honest enough to admit it: I relied on food more than I relied on God. I craved food more than I craved God. Food was my comfort. Food was my reward. Food was my joy. Food was what I turned to in times of stress, sadness and even in times of happiness"...wow...still letting all this soak in...LORD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO BREAK FREE!!! "IF GOD IS FOR US, WHO (OR WHAT) CAN BE AGAINST US" Romans 8:31

A song that God is using in my life right now during this time is this one:
Keep Making me by Sidewalk Prophets...

Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI1obeb3A9c

Another lesson...(I know...He has ALOT to say...when I will listen!!!!)

Much like Jonah...I've been saying...Lord I'll doing anything...except this ONE thing...it is just to hard...I can't do it...(He is in my hear...I KNOW it's hard...KEEP going...your VERY best!!!)
I have realized that my sin is over taking me like seaweed around my head!!!! Jonah 2:5...I also realized that I...me...Lori...am choosing to give up...in Jonah 2:8 it says...those who cling to worthless idols forfeit God's love for them...if you go on to read verse 9 it says...BUT I with SHOUTS of GRATEFUL praise will SACRIFICE to you!!! Luke 9:23...to be HIS follower I MUST...deny myself...take up my cross  DAILY and follow HIM...so the choice once again comes down to me...surrender my will to HIS or not...even on those days that it is so very stinkin hard!!!!...let me close with this scripture 2 Corinthians 12:9..."My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness"...

Lord keep teaching me...
Another song that speaks to my heart...Cannons by Phil Wickham...I'm so unworthy but still you love me...forever my heart will sing of our great you are...learning to love You first...

Where does the time go...

Today she turns another year older...she has gotten to the point in her life now where she might not appreciate it if I share that number so...I won't...But Cassie celebrates today another year of life!

We are all thankful for her and what she means to each one of use individually...as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, daughter in law, sister in law and friend.

God has done amazing things in her life and I got to witness the start of some of those beginnings...obviously I was there when she took that first breath...first step...first day of school...first crush...which honestly I think was Jesse...(I think!)...but the memory that stands out the most in this momma's mind today...is the day she called me in a panic...she knew overwhelmingly that something wasn't right in her life...and she was ready for it to be!...in a small country store...she asked Jesus Christ to come into her life...and from that point on...God has began a new work in her...

Today she was 4 little ones of her own...I'm sure...telling happy birthday! I would even venture to say she will have a picture or two to go on her fridge or to display in her classroom...today she has a husband that loves her unconditionally, who works hard for her in the elements to provide for her...today she has siblings that love, respect and look up to their big sister...and today she has a mom that wants to wish her the best day ever!!!!

I love you Cas!

no resolutions this year...just an intense desire to learn...

Well 2015 is here! I think I am going into 2015 more excited than I have the last few years. We've had a few hard things to learn to live with the last 2 years...and God's grace has truly been just what He promised us...SUFFICIENT!

He has began to speak to me about some thing that has hit my heart very hard...I have pondered Revelation 2:4 for some time now..."but this I have against you...that you have left your first love"...Wow...over and over in my mind this is rolled around the last year of my life probably...until 2 weeks ago...then I heard a word from the Lord I wasn't prepared to hear...you see I've asked Him over and over to help me to return to Him...my first love...then 2 weeks ago...once again I was thinking what needs to change...what do I need to walk away from? What do I need to put down...or maybe I need to pick something up in obedience...Lord please show me...I'm ready...

The answer from Him was tough...hard to swallow...this is my first to even share it...except with a sweet friend this morning...He...the Lord...my Savior...very clearly told me...Lori...how can you return to something you've never had?...now mind you...I'm not saying I am not saved...I am saved through the blood of Jesus Christ...I will spend eternity in Heaven...that is not what I'm talking about...but He very clearly revealed to me that I haven't ever loved HIM first...most...sold out...Deuteronomy 6:5..."you shall love the Lord your God with all heart and with all your soul and with all your might"...in my words...with every single fiber of my being...and more than anything...or anyone and that...is where it gets to the heart of my issue...

I love God...I love my Savior, Jesus Christ...I have personally experienced miracles from Him...I know His power...I know His love...but...He has blessed me with an incredible man to walk this life with...a man who, I believe even sets this example for me...but I think the.truth is...I know he (Scott) is my first love...and God blessed me with 4 amazing kids...and 6 grand-babies...and they may be in the 2nd place...

I remember when I first realized...I mean...really, really got it that Scott loved the Lord MORE than he loves me...and I was...I hate to even confess...jealous...and now...I'm so thankful that he does...that he is able to love Jesus more...because of that we are still standing...and I'm thankful for the example he lives out before me and our family...I can honestly say that the jealousy has been gone for many years now...because he loves Jesus first he can and does love me better...

And so a new journey begins in my life...I've asked the Lord to help me to fall in love with Him in a new and fresh way...to look above, over and past my husband, kids and grand kids to see Him first...to love Him first...to desire Him and his will first in my life...even when that is hard...or difficult or scary...

Already just today...I believe He is showing me that I must be in love with His word...that is the main way I will clearly hear from Him...it is the way I will  know Him better...

I hope to keep you informed about this...I know I am not the only one who struggles with this...we know we are secure in our salvation...but we don't put Him in His place that not only He should have...but the place He says He must be..."If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross DAILY and follow me...Luke 9:23"

As a wife and a momma...and now a Grammy...sometimes, because of the tugs and pulls on us it is hard to put God first...but ladies...the best example we can set for our husbands and kids is to show them that in ones life...God must come first...that may mean...we let them wait while we study God's word...or we attend a bible study...to we go for a walk...or run with praise music in our ears...and they are not ignored but they are not first...remember what I told you about Scott...he is able to love me better because he loves HIM best...They may not understand it...and they may not even like it...but...because are learning to love the Lord best...we WILL be better wives, mommas, grammys, employees, friends...church members...we just will be...and so the journey begins...please pray for me...

Another birthday

While her family has been blessed by her for 26 sweet years together...this is our 3rd precious year with this sweet girl!

I just want to take a minute to say happy birthday to our Beks!!!! She has come into our family...fitting us like a glove...we are blessed not only by the person that she is but also by the joy that she brings! She...like all my "extras" that have joined us over the years...make us better...makesus closer to being complete (needing a few little people to be complete!!!!)

Beks...have a great day...shine like you do in that classroom today!!! Enjoy who God has made you to be!!! We love you so much!!!

love...the "real" one