as your students call you...Miss

I'm so very sorry I'm late with this! Sometimes I struggle with the words to write and it takes me a few days. But I wanted to wish you the very best birthday week! Thank you for being one of my rocks this past year. For asking in just a very subtle way on "those" days if I was ok. All you kids have been so great this past year even as you navigate your own grief. 

I know I say it all the time but if truly feels like it's been forever since all 4 of you guys were still here...at home with dad and I...and yet I can close my eyes and still see us as if it was yesterday! Does that even make sense?

I can still see the other 3 kids loving on you at the hospital, Michael singing K K K Katie, beautiful Katie...Cassie and Heather being so proud to show off their baby sister to their teachers and friends at school...Watching the old ladies at the bank about drop their teeth because I'd let Michael pick you up and carry you around...(and I let him just to see their reactions...it was HILARIOUS!!) The way nanny, mammy and Aunt Brenda made fools of themselves over you...and yet here we are...all these just sweet memories as I watch you make memories with your own sweet kiddos. 

I see so much of you in both of the kiddos...Journie's tender heart is from you and Barrett's quick wit is you! Their child like faith in the Lord is what we saw in you from such a young age...and yet I know they can't "inherit" that from you...it's taught...it's lived out before them...so thankful you...and your siblings have a passion to do just that with all 12 grands. 

I'm continuing to learn just how truly blessed we are as a family! I know dad and I both take that for granted way more than we should...we should understand that it is a gift...a gift of grace in all our lives...and I don't say that because of any past anything...I say that because we are a sinful people who live in a sinful world...and yet God...in His greatness and love have called us...and we continue to pray for those littles who haven't made that decision yet that God's saving grace will be upon them.

I think back to the essay Heather wrote about you during college..."My 6th grade hero" she worded you perfectly and I'm thankful to be able to say you are also one...9 heros in my life too! 

I love you so much...

Momma

Let go...

 I love worshipping to music! I love to raise my hand...but as we were worshipping yesterday in church...I was reminded of a mental picture God gave to me...I have a very difficult time of just letting it all go...raising BOTH hands and giving ALL to the Lord...

I found myself wondering what am I hanging onto...I can tell you that in many areas of my life I struggle with just letting go...releasing...open palming it...it's like if I let go...I'll be out of control...which is something the Lord reminded me...yes I need to let it all go...be out of control and let Him be in control...

What if...I could live like this...

 “I have one desire now – to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it.”  ~Elisabeth Elliot

I was studying this thought today and came across this...I'm always looking inward, examining my heart...trying my best to critique it...but what if...just maybe...the only place I truly need to be looking is up...to HIM seeking HIM and allowing HIM to do the changing...molding...critiquing me...by His Spirit and nothing of myself...

this is another definition of reckless abandonment...

Oswald Chambers defines it as “totally unrestrained and willing to risk everything.”

To come after Christ...in Luke 9 the word tells me I must deny myself...and embrace the cross...

16 “Today the Lord your God has commanded you to obey all these decrees and regulations. So be careful to obey them wholeheartedly. 17 You have declared today that the Lord is your God. And you have promised to walk in his ways, and to obey his decrees, commands, and regulations, and to do everything he tells you.

Reckless abandoned...WHOLEHEARTEDLY...God is speaking...so I believe my only response can be that of Samuels in 1 Samuel 3:10...SPEAK LORD YOUR SERVANT IS LISTENING...

I would say I wish I will begin to pry my fingers open and surrender to the Lord...but I find myself praying that I will stop the struggle...relax and just let go...close my eyes...raise BOTH hands and worship Him in every area of my life in reckless abandonment!

One last quote from Oswald Chambers...

You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to Him.

My guy

 Happy birthday Scott! I love you so much! I pray your day is as special as you are! Thanks for being a rock like never before this past year in my life. 

I can't seem to find words today but I pray this year is full of amazing adventures...I pray India happens this year...that I make my goal so we can go on a cruise...that you receive so many blessings this year!

I love you...thanks for picking me...

Love ya...Beth

Happy birthday!

 Michael happy birthday today!!! Boy if we had only known the loss the last year would hold for us...but I want to say thanks...for being patient with me through it all...

I was thinking the other day...when I saw your pictures on facebook of your get away trip with Bekah...no one can make you smile like she can...I'm so thankful for the life you and her are building together...I remember the days of littles everywhere...and I promise those days can be forever long but the years will pass like a blink!!! I say all that to say...when they are grown...and it's just you and Bekah...well...that part of life is good too!!!

I pray this year brings you so much joy and happiness...I pray you grow even stronger in the Lord...I pray you find your forever land...I pray you know just how loved you are! I pray you continue to be the hero to your 4 littles...and that you love Beks well...

I'm thankful to call you my son. I so proud of you and all your accomplishments! Have a blessed day today!

Love, 

Mom

Don't let this one be the last one!!!

 Heather...don't claim this bday the last one...there are so many more memories that come with the coming years as well...accept them as the gift that each one will be!!!

This year has been a difficult year for you and your family and I've watched God stretch you in so many ways...I've watched you continue on in your walk with Him even though it looks very different that you thought it would look...It is new...fresh...sometimes scary...but you still follow...I'm so thankful you didn't choose to just quit...He has new mercies every single day...thank goodness for His goodness, grace and mercy!!!

I've watched you pour difficult truths into the kids this year...help them walk through hard times and hard changes but pushing them to hang on tight...never giving up on the Lord...teaching them we living in a flawed world but serve a perfect Savior...such an amazing lesson to witness you teach them...

I've watched you fall more and more in love with your new position...seeing the potential in all your kiddos that God brings into you serve time...caring enough to push for their very best...

I think so often of the movie, Facing the Giants...when the coach has the kid do the death crawl...the kid promises to give all he has...his very best until he can't give anymore...with another kid on his back...the coach blindfolds him so that he doesn't see how far he has come and gives up to quick...the kid takes off...strong...it gets harder and harder...til he is beginning to wonder if he can keep it up...the coach gets down on his hands and knees...screaming at the kid...YOUR VERY BEST...GIVE ME YOUR VERY BEST...I KNOW IT'S HARD BUT DON'T QUIT...finally the kid says I can't do it anymore...I have to be 1/2 across the field...the coach takes his blindfold off and tells him...you are in the end zone...he had crawled the entire way...with another kid on his back the entire length of the field...that is what you, as a mom does...or as a teacher does...or as a leader does...and when it was hard this year...you didn't quit...and look up and see where He has you now...it's a different season...but it is good!

Never give up...I'm so thankful for you and to you...I love you...I can't wait to get away in a couple of weeks...so looking forward to it!!! I pray your day is so very special!!!!

Love you~

Mom

So sorry Cassie!!!

Since I've started writing these memories to my kids for their birthdays...I've never been this late with one. But Cas, I've tried to find words for 2 months now...

I've watched you grow into the woman you are with much grace in your life...I watched you overcome fear and obstacles and come out of your shell way more than your momma ever learned how to. 

I'm thankful I don't see my parenting skills in you! I've watched you attempt to be very intentional with your time with the kids this year especially as Ayden's senior year approaches...

I've watched you be weary as a teacher this year and yet more passionate than ever for the education of your little friends. A passion that purses whatever it may take to help them to succeed to the very best that they can be!

I've watched you pray over friends, losses and heartache this year...standing your ground with it's not easy, leading the kids department at church, again, with the same passion...desiring for those kids to know they are not only loved by Jesus...but they are genuinely love by those of us at EBC...

I'm so proud to be your mom. I'm thankful we like each other...praying this year is full of sweet memories.!

I love you~

Mom 

52 weeks

I've dreaded this day all week long...52 weeks without you...But this morning as I started driving to another grandkid's event...everything was covered with a heavy, heavy frost...it looked like a winter wonderland. I found myself thinking about how long and hard winter can be...but it can also be so beautiful...and I though of you, pawpaw...how this past year has felt a bit like winter...but there is beauty in the sadness...

For me, the sadness comes for all the missing I feel...miss just seeing your face...seeing you laugh with that little hand clap you'd do when something tickled you! Or how you'd brag about how smart one of the grands would do something you thought was funny and smart! Sadness in 52 weeks of not seeing your smiling face greeting me at church...and getting to hug you and tell you I love you...

But then there's the beautiful side of it! You have been in the very presence of Jesus for 365 days...the thought of that gives me such wonder and joy all at the same time! I know it's okay to miss you and to talk about you and remember you but I also know it's okay to be joyful for all that you have witnessed the past 365 days...the joy you must feel...the worship you must be experiencing...the fact that all your tears have been wiped away. 

So we start year 2 now...but I'll hold on to the sweet memories you gave me over the 40 years you were in my life...and I'll smile when I remember something funny you said...and I'll praise the Lord that you are with Him...worshipping...and I find myself wondering if you get to be one of the ones who welcomes the new ones...not real sure how all that works...I think Jesus WELCOMES us...but you can greet them! No one did it better here!!! Love you paw paw so much!